10 Steps to Being Popular

1. Never do Homework/Schoolwork! This is a must. No one will think you’re cool or want to be like you if you are constantly being a studious and hard worker.

2. Say no to drugs? Whoever thought of that? Smoking is the best and can only get you part of the cool crowd at school. Doing it only on the weekends is definitely not enough. Make sure you smoke right before going to school.

3. Have friends but never let them think they can have a say in the friendship. Saturday nights depend on what you want to do, not what they want to do. If they want seafood and you want meat, off to McDonalds!

4. Abstinence and Chastity. What a joke! If you’re not getting some action or not putting out, your popularity status is diminishing by the millisecond.

5. ALWAYS WEAR DESIGNER CLOTHES! Salvation Army and the Thrift Shops are DEFINITE no’s. Gucci, Coach, and Burberry are the only stores that must exist in your mind. Showing off your clothing will show how wealthy you are.

6. Always drink alcohol excessively. Having a hang-over is the best feeling especially when you’re at a party with a bunch of failures.

7. Choose your girlfriend/boyfriend very carefully. Looks and appearance are the most important. If he/she’s not popular, don’t even bother breathing the same air.

8. Tiny pimple on your cheek? Don’t you dare go to school. Stay home and mope around your paralyzed cousin and your AIDS+ aunt telling them it is the end of the world and you’re going to die.

9. Family time—pointless. Why spend time with your family when you can dictate your friends’ every move. Families often symbolize losers and that is not cool. Make sure you make them aware of that at any chance you get.

10. Always make sly and rude comments that put others down while bringing your own self-esteem up. No one should ever feel equal or superior to you regardless of who it may be. For example, your best friend, sister, or boyfriend. They live to make you happy.