||From Me to God|| (5)

Dear God,

Q. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A. Randomness

What? Is that answer supposed to console a grieving family after a loss?
“Hey I’m sorry to hear about your mother, the woman that has done everything for you from the day you were born. It’s just randomness.”

Or maybe, after your best friend gets kidnapped and almost raped, I’m sure the emotional hurt will ease after hearing,
“Yeah, I heard about that guy putting a gun to your head if you didn’t have sex with him, don’t worry, it was just randomness.”

Lord, are we supposed to live based off of randomness. I’ve never understood that and I don’t think I ever will. Opposed to randomness you’ve done so much for us. Our health, food to eat, homes to live in, loving families…the list goes on. Why is that I always focus on what’s wrong.
I’m not gonna lie… I’ve lost my way. Going to church hasn't felt the same. I don't want to feel like this. I want to praise your name and worship you. But it’s getting so hard to. I’m not perfect, but there’s so much pressure to try and act like I am to the point where I’m becoming a whole other person. I wouldn’t call it living a double life, but it's certainly heading in that direction. And my grandmother, she's really sick. I can't remember how many times my family has prayed asking you to heal her. Also, how can something end up so perfect but hurt me in the process. I feel like I'm rambling, but the millions of questions and thoughts in my mind need to be expressed. I know our lives are predestined. Was I predestined to get hurt without reason? Were millions of people predestined to be homeless after Hurricane Katrina? Prayers after prayers after prayers.

Then I stopped feeling that my prayers were being answered.

I started looking for answers in all the wrong places. I forgot who I was, got caught up in this world. It’s just that, every time a wound healed, something else took that healing away. I was blind. I tried to stop the rain. Nothing worked.

I finally got on my knees.

Father, can you hear me?
I know it’s been a long time. Do you still remember my name? I tried to keep my mind on you but trouble kept calling me. I can't change the past. I don't want to hurt anymore. I should have never doubted your love for us. Please, helpe me believe because I'm having trouble seeing past what I see right now. If you can hear me, can you give me a sign because I don't feel you like I should. My faith is almost gone and I can't hold on much longer.

Help.

Love,
Macda